Self-Disclosure
Written by: Dain Hong / Communication Coaching / September 23, 2020 / 8 minutes read
If your colleagues at work were approached and asked information about you, what would they share? Would they know what you enjoy the most and least about work? How about your professional goals and ambitions? Would they be familiar with your preferences for food, particularly for lunch? Moreover, would they be able to describe your hobbies and the activities you spend your weekend on?
In the same way, what do your friends know about you? Your family? Your partner? How about your neighbours, the clerk at the grocery story you frequent, and the TTC attendants you encounter nearly daily?
What is self-disclosure?
In order for others to know about us, we must engage in a process of self-disclosure. Self-disclosure, simply put, is revealing information about yourself. This information is about your honest self, including your observations, thoughts, feelings and needs, that is made accessible to others. Such information can be both verbal—shared using your words, or non-verbal—shared through your body language, such as your facial expressions, posture, and hand gestures.
Three different selves
There are in general three different selves within an individual: the hidden self, open self, and blind self. The hidden self is the part of you that you intentionally hide. This information is known by you, and unknown to others. When you are processing experiences, the clarity that you achieve stays in this self. This part can include your secrets, negative thought processes, and other realities about you that you are ashamed to reveal. When you have applied the appropriate filters, depending on the context and audience, you may be willing to move some of that information into the open self.
The open self holds information that is known both to you and the other. This includes your conscious actions and statements. Those who tend to be expressive about their experiences would have a larger open self. This open part of yourself, in combination with your blind self, creates others’ knowledge base of you. The blind self is the part of you that others know but you do not. The blind self can include habits and tendencies that you’ve become so accustomed to that you’ve become unaware of them. Some examples of this can include your fast speaking pace, loud volume, and impulse to interrupt others’ speaking turns. Unless individuals around you reveal this information, it is difficult to access it.
If your three selves could be expressed in a pie chart, what sections would each occupy? Do you feel out of touch with reality, and frequently receive responses from others that you didn’t anticipate? Perhaps your blind self is disproportionately large. Do people describe you as mysterious, aloof, and maybe even unapproachable? Then your hidden self may be overpowering. Finally, if people know everything about you and would be afraid to trust their secrets with you, you may need to reduce your open self. An appropriate balance of these three selves is necessary for fulfilling and authentic interactions.
In order for others to know about us, we must engage in a process of self-disclosure. Self-disclosure, simply put, is revealing information about yourself.
Benefits of self-disclosure
There are many good reasons why we should seek to expand our open self. One such advantage is increased knowledge about yourself. Though recounting your experiences to another, you are able to add color and shape to the memory and thus aid processing. You can find greater understanding of your actions and find how they align with who you perceive yourself to be.
Another benefit of self-disclosure is more intimacy. When you share your hidden information, others are invited to do so as well. The conversation does not have to remain within the polite topics of weather and weekend, but can delve deeper to hopes, ideas and opinions.
A final advantage of self-disclosure is more energy. When you are constantly filtering and sieving your message to make it more palatable, open-minded, and empty of your darkest secrets, you have little attention left to be present in the situation. You miss out on the people and things around you, and remain in your head for the duration of your conversations. This is not enjoyable for either party!
While the fear of judgement and rejection may convince us to withhold the observations, thoughts, feelings, and needs that arise within us, recall the benefits of self-disclosure and take a step towards opening up.
McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (1995). Messages: the communication book. p. 23-34 Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
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